Toot toot, Sonic worrier!

‘I take one step forward, I take two steps back.’ So go the lyrics derived from the wisdom of countless ages that will transcend the generations and that great theologians will muse contemplatively over for years to come (Paula Abdul, Opposites Attract circa 1988).

So the Sonic Generations demo has landed as reported earlier in the week and by all indications it looks like the hog is finally getting his act together. Things are seeming positive, and aside from the peculiar button-lag-infested PS3 demo, there’s not much you can see as going wrong thus far.

But Sega can’t have that!

In the peculiar absence of any news regarding part 2 of shamed series wrecker Sonic 4, a new project is surely called for in order to plumb the darkest depths of the chunder-barrel once again! Thus in typical Sega fashion, they have to go and ruin things by claiming that the Sonic ‘storybook trilogy’ is still incomplete. But pray tell, what the Grig is the Sonic storybook trilogy, I hear you cry? Well, remember Sonic and the Secret Rings and Sonic and the Black Knight? The Wii games? Yeah, the Wii. That dusty thing under your nans 1975 dial TV that she played that time? Oh forget it.Clearly having not fully suppressed the traumatic memory of that particular Sonic avenue, we cower in the wake of the promise that there’s more to come. Unless you hadn’t realised otherwise, the ‘trilogy’ reference sadly means there’s one more episode in this sorry tale of woe. Not content with having dragged Sonic thoroughly through a valley of excretion in the previous two outings, Sega Mexico (famed for… being part of Sega?) claim Sega are strapping Sonics raw and bloodied ankles well and truly to the Sega emblazoned turd-tractor once again just to drag him through one more time to finish the job.

Sonic Crying

But that’s not all folks!

Just as Sega clearly seem to hope that we’ve forgotten about their recent promise to cease pumping out excessive numbers of Sonic games in a bid to try and focus the series and stop smearing him all over everyone’s life, the Sega rep has also thrown news of a new Sonic and Sega Superstars game into the mix. Quite what this future travesty will be is anyones guess with previous titles humiliated in the genres of Tennis and ‘Kart’ racing. Seldom ones to learn a lesson, could Sega be readying Allstars Racing 2? Technically not a Sonic game per se, we know, but the previous outing certainly made sure it didn’t deviate from Sega’s road map to the low quality software of recent years. As for a Tennis sequel, it’s hard to get much hype for the thought of Amy Rose hitting the courts again when we’ve all spent the week watching Maria Sharapova grunt her way to the Wimbledon final. Add Cream the Rabbit to the mix however, and then we might be talking. Anyway…

Now we’re not ones here at Grig to judge games before they’re out – at least, we pretend we’re not – but the chances of Sega having some quality up their sleeve is far outweighed by the probability of them having something of a clay-like consistency sliding down their inside leg. No other Kart game has ever even equalled Mario Kart, yet the failed attempts have done little in stopping people from trying. From Sega’s side of the fence, Sonic Drift couldn’t do it back in the day, and likewise Sonic and Sega Allstars Racing can’t do it now. Heck, even Mario Kart isn’t as good as Mario Kart – and by that I’m talking about the REAL Mario Kart on the SNES. Those blue shells of the modern games can go and suck a… er… Birdo propelled egg! That’s right! Pwned by Grig again! Sigh… But please Sega, no more! And please acknowledge that there was a reason Sega Superstars Tennis had it’s price cut in half within days of launch – more is not required! Alas I fear the wisdom of Grig doth fall on deaf ears.

Anyhoo, we can but live in hope. As we say, Sonic Generations is looking mighty fine, and until we get our hands on that finished bad boy Sonic can go to the FIFA, Cricket, Darts and shove penny World Cups, fight every Capcom, Tekken and Dead or Alive character, be a fitness instructor, bald space marine, or soldier in a modern day conflict, or any other such absurd nonsense that Sega could potentially speedy-boot shoe horn the former hero in on, coz I don’t care! Just one good Sonic game Sega, and make it Generations! That’s all I ask for!

If we could offer just one piece of advice for the future, it’s that Sega – please just remember, as a great philosopher once wrote:

In the end, who’s on your side, Who can you trust, in the middle of the night? Where will you be, if ya can’t find you. There’s no place to go, nothing to do. If you gotta do something, gotta do something, believe in yourself, yourself, yourself, HEY!

10 Grig points for all those that get what the grig I’m going on about there!

Peace my Griggers!

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