Gears Of War Drama Rocks Sleepy English Town


Residents of Ryde were packing their bags in fear today after the appearance of an emergence hole signalled an imminent attack on the town from the Locust Horde.

The filthy aliens have never been seen before in the Isle of Wight, or indeed in real life, but the giant crater in Cross Street raised concerns that Emergence Day was imminent – and locals were taking no chances. Hundreds of petrified shoppers fled the scene, which was just outside Top Shop, and by midday the town was eerily quiet. Though admittedly, it was also a bit rainy.

Members of the council’s emergency highways team arrived at the site within hours, and were expected to lob bolo grenades into the hole to prevent the alien swarms from bursting out and implementing their despicable plan for the annihilation of the human race. But in the end they just put some bollards around it and told a few old people to watch their step.

A spokesman for the Coalition of Ordered Governments was unavailable for comment on today’s intergalactic drama. But a note on the council’s website did say they hope to fix the road by next Tuesday.

UPDATE: Townsfolk gather for vigil to pay their respects to fallen comrades. Also, the street lights were out and someone dropped a 20p near the hole, so…


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