Childhood heroes are sacrosanct. From the best Transformer to the hottest kids’ TV presenter (you can keep Fearne Cotton, Dibbs, I’m having me that one off of Newsround…), the greatest ascend into myth, the worst into oft-remembered mirth. Either way, the way they were is part of who we are.
But that doesn’t stop movie makers and games developers endlessly trying to rehash ’em for the modern market – updates, spin-offs, and redesigns are all part of our lives – from two-a-penny comic adaptations to the endless rebirthing of Doctor Who. Thing is, remakes are like Wayne Rooney’s replacement hair – a good idea in theory, but badly, disgustingly, upsettingly wrong in practice.
So, with the news that Bane is making a welcome debut into the Arkham City franchise, we at Grig Manor can think of nothing better than a Top 5 Worst Hero Rehash list! Buckle in, get yourselves a vomit bag and some Kleenex, and relive the best of the worst…
Bane (Batman comic to Batman & Robin) – from arch-deacon of supervillainy to simpering altar-boy, Bane’s disgraceful showing in Batman & Robin wasn’t so much a tinkering with his character as a ransacking. Originally a brutal thug with an Asterix-esque super-juice on tap, the comic-book Bane was also a genius – piling the full force of Gotham’s nasties onto Batters’ until he, literally, broke. In the movie? A shuffling simpleton whose pumped-up persona was little more than a grunting oaf. It says something when an ageing Arnie with saggy man-boobs was still a better villain… The only good thing about that film was the Batmobile. That was friggin’ sweet!
Bill and Ted (awesome movie franchise to questionable kids’ cartoon) – so Bill S. Preston was no brainiac, and Ted “Theodore” Logan was only marginally more savvy than the moody douche who played him, but somehow the cartoon version managed to dumb even these two down. It was the movie forebears after all who mastered time-travel (We were there! There were many steps and columns), beat Death (Hey Ted, don’t fear the Reaper…. I heard zat!), and deciphered Hades (that was non, non non, NON-heinous!) But the cartoon Stallyns? By god, these two gurning scribbles wouldn’t know the different between Oshman’s Sporting Goods and a freakin’ Alaskan Military School. Whiny, pre-pubescent punks who’d probably have rocked out to Justin Bieber more than Faith No More, they did admittedly manage one catchy tune (for the titles – bodacious AND courageous, no less). And to be fair, I’d rather watch a looping torturefest of that scrawled nonsense than see one second of the rumoured third instalment. Bill and Ted will be ANCIENT if they go ahead, and who’s impressed with rockers who are falling to pieces? (I’m looking at you, Rolling Stones…)
Superman (pretty much any version compared to the monstrosity that was the closing seasons of New Adventures… Ps that’s Lois and Clark, for the benefit of our American fan) – for a couple of seasons, this cheeky tv adaptation had us hooked. Quality villains, Hatcher in her prime, and Super-beauts strutting about in his pants like some kind of crime-fighting über-paedo. And like all good shows, there was simmering tension between the lovely L&C – will they? Won’t they? If they do, would his super-drilling do Lois some serious fadge-damage? But then, by god, the writers decided they should go and get married. And what happens next? Well, all of a sudden Teri’s lopped the locks in search of the lesbian-ginger vote and Dean Cain’s spending more time fawning over her with mushy super-eyes than he is bashing Lex Luthor on his stupid, balding head. And that’s despite Lois looking like a genetic splice of Mick Hucknall and that slightly puffy looking fella from Mask. (The Mask with Cher, not Jim Carrey. Though even old greenface would have been a step up). And of course it’s hard to have much respect for the Man of Steel when he seems more likely to be making dinner and running a nice bath than zapping the shit out of stuff with his laser eyes and trapping people in little, cellophane squares. Diabolical, it was. Freakin’ diabolical.
So there we have it. Our Top 5. But wait! What? There’s only three you say? Why yes, my loveable compadres, there is. And that’s because those final two spots are for you! Tell us your least favoured conversions and who knows? There might be a FABULOUS prize. Like, we’ll mention it on Twitter or something. Awes.