Your phone app no longer works - now, this sounds pretty fundamental but, amazingly, no other blog or forum seems to have a solution. Maybe because very few people actually make calls on their iPhone… Anyhoo, the issue we had is that the Phone “app” opens, but immediately closes to the home screen – meaning you can’t make calls or listen to voicemail or, y’know, use your phone… Well, the solution seems to relate to unaccessed voicemail and just requires some quick fingers. Get the phone app open, go to voicemail and delete all – you might need to have several goes at it, depending how long you get before it crashes. Once the voicemail is deleted, the phone should work again – and you should be able to access the deleted messages by calling your Carrier’s server.

Error 3004, 3200, etc etc etc – basically, any error that stops you from downloading the iOS update, tells you that you can’t complete Restore right now, cancels the update halfway through etc – nearly all of these errors relate to the traffic on Apple’s servers, and crop up because the updater links to the mainframe to verify parts of the install. When it’s busy, it seems that everything stops working. If you’re still getting this problem now, though, you’re unlucky as the crazy traffic from D-Day has faded – however, the best solution remains to wait until a quiet time (normally during the night, PST) and try again. If that’s no good, run through the restore process and re-run the update.

All my apps have disappeared! Or moved! – OK, hopefully you’re reading this before it’s too late, as the best solution is to backup your iPhone before getting involved in the whole sorry mess that is the iOS 5 update. Then turn the “Sync apps” option on within iTunes (I normally have this turned off, but here it’s quite useful…) When you run the update, iTunes should restore all your apps and music – if it doesn’t, re-sync the phone and this should do it for you. If those cheeky app blighters have moved around on your device – trust us, they will have and it’s BLOODY annoying – use the iTunes App screen to rearrange everything as it’s much quicker than doing it on the iPhone / iPad. (This only works if apps are synced…) Alternatively, if you want to do it on the move, use the “Group” function to shift things around – it’s quicker than moving one app at a time, and draaaaaaagging them across multiple screens.

My Guardian app doesn’t work any more - yes, this one probably only matters to me, but sadly the original Guardian app (you know, the free one – *skinflint klaxon*) doesn’t seem to have iOS 5 support. This isn’t surprising, as it was removed from the App Store long ago – suggesting there’d be no further updates – but it’s still sad. This probably applies to a whole load of older apps – so if you’re getting probs with an older program, check if it’s still on the store… And if not, cry… If it is, then it should be supported – delete the app, turn your phone off and on, and re-install the app. If that doesn’t work, contact the developers as they’ve clearly abandoned you.

I’ve got iMessage but I’m still using my text allowance! - there is no iMessage app, as the service – allowing free messaging between iOS 5 users, a la BBM – is built in. This is a good thing, as it’s much smoother to use, but it can confuse new users as there’s no option to switch between normal texts / MMS and the new service. Well, fear not – the iOS will do it for you. If the person you’re contacting has iMessage installed, when you go to write them a message your little green balloons (and the Send button) will turn blue. You’ll also see that it says “iMessage” in the text edit box, rather than “Text Message”. If it doesn’t switch over, the person you’re writing to is a flagrant scoundrel with no iOS 5 – stop writing to them until they sort their freakin’ life out.

Well, there we have it. The thoroughly comprehensive and not at all useless guide to the iOS 5 update. Coming next – how to spool a cassette tape that’s been chewed in your machine. Ashasha.